Losers

Am I a loser?

Oh yeah. Aren't we all losers at some point in time?

Do I want to be be a loser?

Oh no. Who would like to be a loser?

OK. I have lost this time, do I want to stay a loser?

Ah. Now you hit the nail on the head. Thats what we will talk about today.


What makes a loser, well, a loser?


Thats simple. You know that already don't you? You don't? There, you have the answer. You just don't want to admit. Denial is the root cause of all miseries and is the secret to being a loser. By loser I mean a person unable to achieve any goals he sets before him. That mostly happens when you are unwilling to let go. Lets say you stepped on a pile of shit. Would you walk into your house, with your shoes covered in shit,  complaining about it? Only a loser would do that. You'll only stink up your house as well.


Whether you'd like to admit it or not, when you're frustrated, and not getting anywhere near any of your goals,  being the center of everyone's attention becomes the center of your attention, and having a one track mind is a great way of not having a life. You get pretty tired after a long streak of failures - you are scared to try anything. Plus when you talk about anything it says "desperate" right in the middle of your forehead. Like for example waiting to get thrown out from somewhere before you start on your own. These are the problems. And they're your fault, even if the popular self-help articles tell you otherwise.


The Belief and the Truth


The worst thing about being a loser is that you have no clue as to what it is you are missing - it is simply out of reach and unknown. It isn't that you couldn't make an effort, it is that you are clueless on what to do. The minute I figured out what I needed to do, I did it, and it made the change I aimed for. And I'll get to that. But first let me tell you what being an achiever really brings you and how that relates to what your real needs probably are.


When goals become attainable, the first burden that's lifted off your shoulders is thinking about whether you'd be happy if you had something. What makes most people focus so much on this "something" is that they are desperate to try anything just to get out of the depressive pit they're in, and "I will have a World without Rules" or "My venture will grow bigger than yours in just a month" are ideal goals for that purpose. Add to that the inability to let go and you have the perfect recipe for failure.


OK, after you stepped in shit, you have been an idiot , walked into the house and stunk up the place already. What were you expecting? Everyone around you will feel sorry for you and then go bashing up the guy who created that pile of shit in the first place? That is a perfect loser, right there. Those who couldn't bear the stink will leave, but if you insist on closing up all the windows and doors and staying indoors. That by itself is enough to make you a total loser, unless of course you enjoy the stink and you are also in the company of people who  enjoy discussing shit and it's stink in great detail.


Ability to achieve gives you a choice of lifestyle: you won't stay a nice guy because you can't help it; you'll stay a nice guy because you choose to. And that makes a world of difference.


So you get choice, and choice is power. Though power is not what you need to actually be happy. Being happy is an entirely different art and simply becoming an achiever won't make you proficient in it. Achieving goals makes you confident and powerful, but that's as far as it goes. And that's not bad as long as you don't think it's enough to feel content.


So you need to be confident to succeed in something confidence is a key part of. How the hell does one do that?


The answer is: in a very, very hard way. Sure, you can change yourself just slightly to go from being a total loser to a generally acceptable lifestyle, but that's settling for scraps. To become an achiever, you need to fix what your upbringing broke. You need to fix something that you could not have helped going wrong. You need to accept you're at a disadvantage, that it's not fair, but that you'll still bust your rear end to change that. For starters, become a perfect loser!


Becoming a Perfect Loser


You need to accept who you are right now and then move from there to a better place. That means accept that your moves are a disaster, that you tend to drag any conversation to what you want to talk about, that you can't stand up for yourself, you cannot accept critisism, you hide behind others,you will preach but not practise, all of it. Accept you're a loser. It's not like it's going to get any worse if you do. Let it sink in. This will help you see what makes you a loser in clear light.


In practical terms, accepting that you're a loser means accepting failure as an integral part of your life. Having said that, you should not let fear of failure stop you from trying anything. How does that work? Let me illustrate with my own exercise.


I went and joined a group. I decided I'll do whatever I want to do, as I want to do it without reservations. I also decided to accept the fact that if I fail in it I will accept the defeat. And it was horrible. First of all, the fear was so strong it felt like physical pain. The best I managed to do was to step on people's toes and get mis-understood all the time. But it was a step forward. You see, I've created a correct relation between my desires and my abilities. That meant I could properly set my goals.


Getting a Life


What I mean by getting a life is having fun, enjoyable and even interesting things happening to you on a more or less regular basis. The reason losers tend to not have a life is because they're trying to keep things that happen to them predictable.


First thing I did, I started out alone to break away from the lifestyle this group was a part of. Also, I was going  where I most probably wouldn't be meeting people from the same mindset I belonged to. That was setting up stage where I could try new ways of saying things and see how different people react.


I noticed not much was happening, even though going out alone has made my life more interesting. Then I realised, nothing was happening because I was not letting things happen: I was stopping myself from saying what came to my mind because I was not sure. That is when I made my key decision: if it scares me, I must say it!


You cannot begin to imagine how immensely tough it was to stick to that decision. It was like pulling out your own tooth. Slowly. Every single living cell in my body was making it's strongest effort to stop me. Fortunately I had a coach, a friend that would reinforce my stand, encourage me, keep me going. If you want to pull something like that off and you have a zero-bull friend that would help you, you better use that privilege.


As a matter of fact, that's the whole works. Just three steps, that easy.

You accept failure as a fact of life (permanently);

you start trying out new ideas (even if it takes going alone, for starters);

and finally you say everything that scares you (and accept the consequences).

That's your goal.

That'll get you a life. I got one. How about you?

Signing Off....

Rajan