Anger

In the past one week, since I started posting here, a lot has happened. I have gained a few more friends, who not only visit my blog to see what I am talking about, but also send me emails asking questions. Though I have made an effort to reply to them individually, I thought posting a reply to the one common question on yesterday's post, "Revenge", would make sense. Before I begin to discuss what I am talking about here, I request my readers to please acknowledge the fact that I am far from qualified to give any kind of advise. What I post here are my views of human behaviour that I see around me and how I understand and deal with it.


Now that we have that out of the way, the one common question was "How do I deal with the anger, without getting my revenge?". Let me elaborate - we have all been victims of backstabbing and betrayal at some point in time and most of us are angry. Some of us are even angered to the point of contemplating revenge and I am advocating against revenge in my post yesterday. So, the question remains - Now, how do I deal with my anger ?.


While I cannot answer that question to everyone's satisfaction, let me try and explain how I handle it. To start with, we have to come to terms with the fact, that what has been done, cannot be undone. The deed that angered us is already done. Typically, people who suffer with what I like to call Tunnel Vision, would only think about revenge. 


Then what other options do we have? We have a great option available to us. Forgive. Now, before you shake your head in disgust and close this page, or scroll right down and leave a nasty comment, please read on.


Do not forgive the act that angered us. If that is done again, we will still get angered, wouldn't we? Forgive the person that angered you, but keep the anger. Anger with hate is malice. And it is malice that makes us seek revenge. Remember you cannot erase the past, you can only heal the pain it has left behind. When you are wronged, that wrong becomes an indestructible reality of your life. 

When you forgive, you heal your hate for the person or group who created that reality. But you do not change the facts. And you do not undo all of their consequences. The dead stay dead; the wounded are often crippled still. I fail to understand what purpose it serves to kill and maim more people. That is not going to change the situation.The reality of evil and its damage to human beings is not magically undone and it can still make us very angry - how can you remember except in anger? Can you look back on the painful moment - or painful years - without a passionate, furious, aching longing that what hurt you so much had never happened? Some people probably can. But I don't think we should except such placid escape from terrible memories.


YOU CAN BE ANGRY STILL, BUT, HAVE YOUR ANGER WITHOUT THE HATE.
 
I am not saying here that you forgive the person and give that person another chance. That would depend on the person we are talking about and what he/she did to anger you.


For example, the last time I was travelling overseas, I gave my car to a friend for his use. He had sold his car and was waiting for a new model, so was without a car. He allowed his son to drive my car in my absence, which I had expressly told him not to allow, as the boy did not have a valid driver's license, though he could drive fairly well. Upon my return, I came to know of this. When I confronted him, to add to my anger, he denied the whole thing. Of course I was angry and of course I felt betrayed. But, I forgave them. My friend and his son as people - are forgiven. Not the act. This time when I had to travel back, I just left the car sitting in my driveway, though I personally took his son for a test and made sure he got his driver's license. By doing that, I eliminated the cause - the boy will not be on the wrong side of the law again. But I am still angry at the betrayal and the lying. I may never trust him again with my car, but that does not mean to say that I have severed ties with him and am plotting revenge against him.


We do not even have to look that far for an example. Most of us know why and how I started this blog. I was let down by a group of people I considered my friends and was angry with the betrayal, when I found out that they would not even allow me a chance to reply. I would have let it go right then, had the dispute been private. Sadly, I was singled out, maligned and called names in public, but was denied a chance to explain my stand point to the same audience. As you might remember, I tried posting my response, found that it has to be moderated by the same people that maligned me, still waited for 12 hours, before I posted it here. What many do not know is that I actually contacted one of the people in the group and explained what I was planning on doing and confirmed that they did not have any objections. All I wanted was my side to be heard by the same audience. 


Then I forgave them. Forgave them as people. I have not and never will forgive the betrayal and hurt, but forgave the people. And I walked away.


I retained the anger and still continue to do so. But am I plotting revenge? Absolutely not. What would I benefit from that? Anger without malice gives hope. Malice, unrelieved, will gradually choke you. But anger can goad you to prevent the wrong from happening again. Malice keeps the pain alive and raw inside your feelings, anger pushes you with hope toward better things.


There are things one can do to discover the secret of forgiving; you don't have to choke your anger, you only have to surrender your malice. For your own sake. Malice is the misery that needs healing. Anger is energy that needs direction. After malice, let anger do its reforming work. Forgiving and anger can be partners in a good cause.


Lets look at what has changed in the past few days. Have they lost anything? Is my leaving a big loss for them? I hope they still continue doing what they were doing - before I joined, while I was there and after I left. So, I assume they have not lost anything.


Have I lost anything? The answer is an emphatic NO. As a matter of fact, I have gained. I have learnt to express myself here. I have gained a few more friends who understand me for what I am. My ties with a few existing friends has become stronger. And I have discovered a new activity that I enjoy thoroughly. Today, I can proudly say that some of the very same people that maligned me, visit my blog every day. Maybe to read my post, or maybe to see if am still alive - it really does not matter. I do not try to find out what they are up to any longer. I do not have the need to do that. I am at peace with myself here and am not worried about what they are up to. 


I am a happier man today than I was ten days back. Would I be happier if I sought to get even? You decide.


Signing off...


Rajan