Back Stabbers

"They smile in your face, all the time they wanna take your place" the O'Jays once sang.

Backstabbers - they seem to be everywhere. What can we do about them? Total avoidance is often impractical, and just because we're not where they can see us doesn't  mean we won't end up with a dagger between our shoulder blades.  Its the nature of backstabbers, after all, to act when we're not around to defend ourselves.

Backstabbing takes many forms - passing misinformation; withholding useful information; spreading  damaging rumors. All have the same intent -- clearing a path for the stabber to claw his way to the top. Some Business books even recommend some of these methods as ways to get ahead.  Why? There is a widespread perception that such efforts will be rewarded by higher-ups. Combine scarce resources and weak people, and we get this reaction.

Backstabbing usually happens in ventures with limited or no accountability, regardless of the size or type of the venture. Where there are fewer crumbs, you often get more fighting over them. When dealing with a backstabber, our only options are groveling or open-trench warfare, right? Not necessarily.

Firm confrontation is a better strategy if handled correctly.  It is hazardous to get sucked into the would-be backstabber's game by becoming too emotional. Being firm pays off most of the time in the short run, and almost all of the time in the long run.

A friend once came to me and asked how to handle a situation where someone was clearly out to undermine her.  She had taken maternity leave from her job and her employer had brought in a temporary replacement who proceeded to bad-mouth her to all who would listen.  Co-workers sympathetic to their erstwhile colleague told her what was happening, at which point she came to me for help.  I asked her if she had done anything to worry about. When she told me "No," I told her, "Just go back and let it ride."

About three months later, I got a call from her. She said: "You were right.  They fired that guy,"

So, how do we avoid getting back stabbed? Be a likeable person and a team player.  Most people assume they are the good guy in any situation.  But are we really making an effort to reach out to be friendly to others?  Have we made any efforts to keep in touch and enquire about their well being? People we've been friendly to are likely to side with us and/or let us know if someone tries to undermine us. Such people tend to have a great regard for us.

For example, I met a guy when I was in Cincinnati few years back. All I did was call him every year on Christmas eve and wish him, where ever I was. When it was time for me to go back to the USA after all these years, this guy made an effort of driving down more than 500 miles from Cincinnati to Memphis, just to spend one evening with me.

Don't be naive. If we put too much trust in someone who has a personal interest in tripping us up, we're partially to blame. It is surprising how trivial the reasons would be for this person to bad mouth us. For backstabbers, even we having a better performing or a later model Laptop, TV or Car, is reason enough to go around bad mouthing us.

As much as we may be tempted to fight fire with fire, we should not.  In most cases, it will only make us look worse.  There is a common perception that fighting back works, but in fact it makes both parties look bad.

If all else fails get out. This is a last resort, but sometimes it's the only solution.  That can mean moving to a more mature circle that can tackle politics head-on. A healthy atmosphere is harder to maintain , but it's not impossible.

However, if you have been unfortunate enough to get backstabbed, watch out. While your true friends are trying to help get the dagger out, the backstabber would still be lurking in the shadows with a handful of salt, waiting for a chance to rub it into the wound.

Bottomline - Backstabbers are only powerful when you have your back turned.

Signing off....

Rajan

PS: Do you get a funny feeling that I am talking about you? I would recommend a re-read of yesterday's post Proof of Guilt