Betrayal

Another interesting quirk of the human mind is betrayal. Why do people we trust betray us? How does this impact us and what can we do about it?

The most immediate effect of the betrayal of trust is in the emotional impact on the person betrayed. Generally speaking, the greater the trust that we had put in the other person and greater the impact their betrayal has on us, then the greater the distress we will feel.

For example, if a friend does not turn up for a planned meet, we may not feel betrayed greatly. We might feel let down, but we will be more than willing to let go when our friend calls us and explains the reasons for not being able to show up. However, if we find out that the same friend was in fact meeting up with our spouse clandestinely, at the same time he/she was supposed to meet us, then that is betrayal of a different dimension altogether.

We feel a number of different emotions upon realizing that we have been betrayed. The most common is anger although, depending on the situation, we may fear the of loss of the relationship and repulsion at the lack of integrity of the other person.

When someone feels that they have been betrayed, they may well seek some form of justice, putting right  what they feel has been wronged, including their sensibilities. We have to understand that justice and fairness are different things and vary with context. From a personal view, justice means 'making me feel better'. From a society's view, it means carrying out the law, no matter how unfair this may seem.

That would explain us picking up a gun and shooting both people above, when we find out about the clandestine affair between them. For the betrayed one, that is fair and just. However, for the society, though the vast majority might agree that it is fair, may not agree that it is justice and will consider it vigilante justice. The society would expect the betrayed one to file for divorce and then either end up paying alimony or share their assets with the betrayer. To make matters worse, one act of adultery is not enough grounds for a divorce according to the Hindu Marriage Act in India, which applies to most of us Indians. Would we consider that fair and just, though it is the law? Oh, we are digressing here.

Don't get into these situations!! If you betray someone, it is often best to come clean. Accept responsibility for personal failure and personally apologize. Demonstrate how you will fix process failure, and offer compensation. While the human mind is quirky enough to betray, it is also gracious enough to forgive, though there are various factors involved. In some cases, coming clean may not really make a change. You don't tell someone, "Hey. I am sorry I slept with your spouse. It wont happen again." and expect to be forgiven, do you? 

When we are betrayed by someone, it is highly likely that we will not easily trust them again. Trust is fragile and can be lost instantly or there is a hysterisis where a long-earned trust may be eroded and then suddenly lost.

Consider this scenario. In the restaurant example in the earlier action-reaction post, lets assume that you were one of the few friends that went all out to support the new venture. You were willing to recommend this venture to your friends, try your hand at new recipes and even extend your hand to helping out with dish washing or contributing to general decor. Assume that the rest of the group did not find your ideas acceptable, did not find your contributions worthwhile and even did not find your jokes funny. Then what do you do? 

If you are the one that was betrayed, by not just one person, but a group of people you considered friends, then what? Join them if you cannot beat them? That is an absolute no no. If these people do not consider you a friend and these people are willing to collectively betray, malign and out-cast you, then probably you are in wrong company. GET OUT.

Some people tend to believe that a small betrayal can, in fact, actually help. The way it works is that they fail in a relatively unimportant way, then go overboard in recovery. The message sent is "we care so much about you even for the small things (so just imagine how much we care about the bigger things)". They believe that, done well, it can actually increase loyalty. But that again would be manipulation, akin to our filmy heros setting up a group to harass the heroine and then going to her rescue. There is no end to the quirkiness of the human mind.


Have you noticed? Back stabbers will almost certainly be betrayers as well, as these individuals can sell their soul for a song. The best you can do in such a scenario is to just give these group of back stabbers and betrayers some time. It will not be long before they start betraying and back stabbing each other. After all it wouldn't take them much effort doing what they are best at, would it? Now that is what I would call natural justice.

Bottomline: Choose who you trust carefully. After all, every betrayal begins with trust.

Signing off.....


Rajan